(CNN) -- While the World Cup in South Africa is manna from heaven for soccer fans, spare a thought for those who regard "the beautiful game" as a confusing sport with complicated rules and impenetrable jargon.
For those of you who fall into this category and fear being caught short during a water-cooler moment at the office, CNN has put together a bluffer's guide to the round-ball game and the World Cup.
Phrases to impress your boss
"The referee's blind!"
An excellent phrase to insert when those around you lament a goal that "never was," a clear handball or a murderous foul not spotted by the official.
"There's a case for video technology"
Following your previous observation about the referee's eyesight, join the calls for video replays to help him make the right decision
"He's got two left feet"
As frustration grows with one hapless player in particular, make sure you aren't left out.
World Cup Special
"He missed a sitter!"
When a player misses an easy chance to score.
"It was a blatant dive!"
When a player tumbles to the ground rolling around in apparent agony even though there was no contact from an opposing player.
"Germany are always so efficient"
No fuss, no frills but a victory nevertheless -- only to be used if Germany wins a match.
"Can England repeat 1966?"
Use if your boss is an England fan. It's the only time England ever won the World Cup and the fans there never let you forget it.
Important rules to know
1. Offside
The rule most likely to infuriate players, managers and fans alike. A player is deemed to be in an offside position when he is in his opponents' half of the pitch and further forward than the last opposition player at the moment a teammate attempts to play a pass to him. Sounds simple, right? When this happens, the opposition wins possession of the ball. All straightforward until your team is denied what looks to be goal by a poor decision by the assistant referee on the touchline. Stand by for plenty of offside flash points and some colorful language.
2. Free-kicks
When a player is penalized for committing a foul, handball or offside, a "free and unchallenged" kick of the ball is awarded to the opposition. Try not to foul a player near your goal because a sharp-shooter like Portugal's Cristiano Ronaldo will send the ball crashing into the top corner of the net with deadly precision.
3. Penalties
Another type of free-kick awarded when a player is fouled inside the 18-yard area around an opponent's goal. The fouled player, or teammate of that player, is then allowed to take a shot from a white spot 12 yards (around 11 meters) from the goal. Prepare yourself for contrasting views from football fans, often less than complimentary about the referee, when a penalty is awarded. This is also the way to decided drawn matches in the later stages of the tournament when you can also liberally use the phrase "nail biting".
3. Red and yellow cards
Yellow cards are shown to a player by the referee after a particularly nasty foul or if they question his decision in a less than polite manner. A second offense by that player usually leads to a second yellow card, which automatically becomes red and means an "early bath". Straight red cards mean a player has been particularly naughty and can expect a day off when the next match comes around.
Football terms to memorize
1. Square ball
Refers not to another controversial ball design, but rather a simple pass of the ball sideways to a teammate.
2. Through-ball
When a player passes the ball forward past two or more defenders to a teammate, usually a striker, who is in position to run through on goal to score.
3. Cross
Nothing religious, it refers to the delivery of the ball, either in the air, or along the ground, from either side of the pitch towards the opponent's goal for a teammate.
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