【TED】How To Love?

为什么激情那么容易消退? 就算是那些爱得如胶似漆的夫妇也不例外。

为什么亲密的爱情也无法保证激情? 这和我们普遍对于性生活和爱情的关系的认知相违背。

我们能否留住我们现有性生活的频率?

为什么偷腥会令人如此激情澎湃?

又为什么性创造了子女，而子女却最终反而成为夫妻性爱的灾难呢?

你陷入爱河的感觉，和产生欲望的感觉，又会有什么不同?

我们什么时候会被爱人所吸引?

1. Absence, longing and imagination (分开时，对彼此的想象力会有很大的促进作用)

When someone we love are far away and we miss them as well as long for them, and when the imagination comes back in the picture, imagination will be the major component of disire.

Nobody needs anybody. There is no care-taking in desire. Care-taking is mightily loving. It’s a powerful anti-aphrodisiac(催情药). Wanting them is one thing. Needing them is a shutdown(需要会令人性趣索然).

2. Proper distance (我们观察自己爱的人全神贯注做自己事情的时候)

Our partners' being radiant and confident will be the biggest turn-on across the board from the comfortable distance instead of sticking together all the time.

It’s when I’m looking at my partner from a comfortable distance, where this person that is already so familiar, so known, is momentarily once again somewhat mysterious, somewhat elusive.

我能够在一个比较合适的距离看着我爱的人，那个和我熟悉和相知的，还带着点神秘和有点难以捉摸。

Sometimes mystery is not about travelling to new places, but it’s about looking with new eyes. — Proust

3. Novelty (生活中偶尔的惊喜和改变)

Novelty isn’t about new positions. It isn’t a repertoire of techniques(五花八门的技巧).

Novelty is, what parts of you do you bring out? What parts of you are just being seen?

所谓的新奇，意思是你展现出来的样子是什么? 别人看到的你是什么样子的?

Sex, is a language rather than just a behaviour. And erotic intelligence(性商) is something that you can cultivate in order to have a better quality sex.

性是一种语言而不只是一种行为，而如果你想要拥有更好的性体验，你需要提高你的性商。

那些性福夫妇，怎样维持对彼此的激情?

1. One, they have a lot of sexual privacy. They understand that there is an erotic space that belongs to each of them.

首先他们有自己的性隐私，他们明白双方都应该有自己的性空间。

2. They also understand that foreplay is not something you do five minutes before the real thing. Foreplay pretty much starts at the end of the previous orgasm.

他们也清楚，前戏并不是你在"正餐"前5分钟所做的事儿。前戏应该从你上一次高潮结束之后就开始了。

3. They also understand that an erotic space isn't about, you begin to stroke the other. It's about you create a space where you leave Management Inc., maybe where you leave the Agile program -- (Laughter) And you actually just are entering that place where you stop being the good citizen who is taking care of things and being responsible. Responsibility and desire just butt heads. They don't really do well together.

他们同时也明白，性爱空间并不是你开始抚摸对方，而指你创造了一个空间，就像经营一家大公司一样。在那里有你灵活的管理计划。你进入了性的状态里，就不需要你做一个需要处理和负责所有事情的“好公民”了，责任感和性欲可以说是水果不容，责任感越强，性欲越淡。

4. Erotic couples also understand that passion waxes and wanes. It's pretty much like the moon. It has intermittent eclipses(阴晴圆缺). But what they know is they know how to resurrect it. They know how to bring it back. And they know how to bring it back because they have demystified one big myth, which is the myth of spontaneity, which is that it's just going to fall from heaven while you're folding the laundry like a deus ex machina, and in fact they understood that whatever is going to just happen in a long-term relationship, already has. Committed sex is premeditated sex. It's willful. It's intentional. It's focus and presence.

性福夫妇也明白，激情是会慢慢消褪的，性欲就像月亮一样，有阴晴圆缺。但是他们知道怎么恢复它、怎样让它再美满起来。他们之所以能这样做的原因，是因为他们打破了一个自然说的神话：性欲可能会在你这衣服的时候突然出现, 毫无征兆地从天而降。而事实上他们明白，在一个长期的关系中，无论发生什么，有承诺的性爱，肯定是有预谋的性爱，是自愿且特意的。是投入和缺失存在的。