新东方何钢谈写作：对一篇作文的详细评点（上）

各位同学：

何钢将于2月24日至3月3日离京，在此期间可能无法及时回复各位的帖子。为帮助大家提高作文水平，了解雅思写作要求，在此公布本人用心批改的一篇学生作文，供大家参考。版权所有，请勿随意转贴。如欲转贴，请注明（北京新东方何钢）。

题目：

Now many people think that we are spending too much time and money on protecting animals. The money should be better spent on human population. Do you agree or disagree?

学生作文：

In reality, a large number of money have been funded on the development of human population in order to enhance the living standand. Although government and animal lovers have started to assist in conservation of animals, lacking of money and social awareness is still a key problem of animal conservation progam. now people should care and pay more for animals rather than living in luxury.

Government have put certain fund on wild animals, while a few part of them was spent on protecting animals legally. Instead, large account of money has been cost to murder them. eg. in scientific research, animals are more like victims whose body might suffer a lot even damaged through experiment in aimning of coming out a result from experiment, rather than lucky ones who can benefit lots care and love from hunman being. From long term view, government should not only spend money for current profits but aslo pay more for our generations.

Admittedly, although money has been gathered to set covervation program for animals, it is so limited that animals could not get a better care in zoos. Lacking of money is the mainly problem to maintain the running of zoos, which cause the animals have to transform to another area, and some of them could die for the frequently traving and uncomfortable weather. Animals are facing awful fate unless government could settle the financial issue by all means.

To sum up, animals lovers should do more effort to save the endanged animals especially rare species, by wakening up the social awareness and donating money. where people could save money for animals ,when we will get benefit from wildlife.

何钢的评点：

文章共275字，基本符合要求。

1)      Arguments, ideas, and evidence.

审题：现在许多人认为我们在保护动物方面花了太多的时间和金钱。这些时间和金钱与其用来保护动物，不如用来花在人身上。你同意不同意这个观点？

此题结构与《高分作文》第8页范文类似。在写作这篇文章的时候，首先应该分析我们目前在动物保护方面的现状：是否花费过多，并提出自己的观点。如果认为的确花费过多，要说说为什么。并且应该进行比较分析，为什么更应该花钱在人身上。如果认为花得值，那么要说说原因，然后谈谈保护动物对于人类的作用和意义。

第一段话写得还可以，但是第一句话中的“大量金钱花在人身上”和第二句话的“动物保护”之间缺少关联。Thesis statement（中心思想句）过于简单。

第二段话说的是政府虽然花了钱，但并不是保护动物，而是用动物做实验等。观点得体，但缺乏论证。为什么政府不应该花钱拿动物做实验，而是要保护动物？你应该说出你的具体理由而不是光泛泛地说为了子孙后代。

第三段写得不错，用了让步加反驳论证，也分析了原因。

结论段短促有力，基本合理。

2)      Communicative quality.

文章关联性还可以。但有的句子之间缺乏联系。

3)      Vocabulary and sentence structure.

语法错误不少。主要集中在名词单复数、动词搭配、冠词、拼写等方面。用词基本得体。句子结构比较多样，但有的长句意思不清楚。
 
 

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