作文点评V116（A）--如何从5分提高到6分

此文章很有代表性，一些水平差点的文章可能对程度不好的考生更有帮助。

赖老师您好！
有机会能在网上请您判雅思写作，真的感谢您。我现在很困惑，因为我在北京上过两个雅思班，一个要求我们用大词和复杂句，一个不让用大词并要求越简单越好，结果我都照着去作，去年考了两次雅思，写作都只得5分，我今年马上要在新西兰考雅思，不知道怎样写才对，恳请您在百忙之中，看看我的作文，多多指教。非常感谢您的无私帮助。
                                                     刘畅19/05/2003

V116 Some information in films, books and on the Internet has had influence on young people, and even on society. Some think such information should be controlled/censored. Discuss both sides and state your opinion. You should use your own experience or examples.
 
Nowadays, sa(?) we are3(?) lieing(?) in a high technologic country, there are many advanced media surrounding us, which enrich our leasure(leisure) times and assist our professional research However, some people complain that the government should reduce the use of these media among young people. From my point of view, I would say these media both have advantages and disadvantages for the youngth(young). We should look at all of the aspects carefully.
 
Reading more books and watching more films would broaden ou(our) minds. Because we read different kinds of books and obtain different information form films, we are able to acknowledge(know) different cultures in many countries. We would have more opportunities to meet various friends who come from overseas, as we have known their backgrounds and we have a lot of things in common.
 
Another important reason for these media is they(?) make things quicker. Take the internet for example, it not only has a huge rangs(range) of information ,but also would help us to select what sort of material we accurately(exactly) need in a few seconds
 
Although these kind(s) of media are convenient ,they still have some drawbacks. Committing crimes should be recognized as the main disadvantage of those media. According to an analysis in an academic magazine ,a quarter of the crimes were committed by young people and over 50% of them were committed by watching violent movies and reading sexual plots( pornography ) on the internet. Those young people have disturbed our stable living environment((???)). Some doctors reported that most older than 15 years old young patients go wound(?) because of imitating the Gong Fu Stars' actions. As far as protecting young people's lives is concerned, the government should control the times of programs which invoves(involves) some over exciting plots(?).
 
To sum up, the government should strenthen（strengthen） the beneficial aspects of the media and minimize the proportion of those drawbacks.
 
点评:     
得分为5分。
此学员确实能用一些较复杂的表达(相对应其程度来讲)，但出错率太高，光
拼写的累积扣分就够他受的。其实会用难词、难句当然会给考官好印象，但
此生的英语程度尚不能刻意去这样做，用错了给倒扣。6分的表达水平并不
在于用难词、难句，而在于能够比较精确地表达自己的思想。另外，作者对
IELTS TASK2的文章结构理解不够，这样写的整体感较差.下面我把作者所
写的东西重新组织一下，这样就可以提高可读性了。

BODY1段首加上：
Admittedly media such as films, books and the Internet play an important role in our daily lives. They can not only broaden our minds but also help us better communicate with other people from different cultures......然后陈述
其好的方面，并把BODY2归入BODY1。

BODY3变成BODY2，段首加上：
On the other hand, media's negative effects have appeared in society.
According to….然后陈述其坏的方面。

Conclusion:
In conclusion, films, books and the Internet have become part of our daily lives, but bad information really disturbs the peace of society. In my opinion,  the Government should take measures to censor information from the mentioned media. This practice will strengthen the beneficial aspects of the media and minimize the proportion of those drawbacks.