雅思写作：对一篇作文的简单评论

It is true that a lot of children, from below 3 to high school, would like to spend time in watching a range of TV programs and videos. One of the most obvious reasons for this is that these are so attractive, vivid and touching our lives that the children who are curious cannot resist their temptation at all.

Some people, especially the parents, argue that this is very damaging. They probably begin by pointing out that their children who are limited in self-control and self-principle will easily take too much time in watching instead of being back to study after doing for a short while. In addition to this, it is well aware that the amount of violence and unhealthy pictures are filled with videos for some reasons. When children who are still simple watch too much amount without any correct guidance, some of them will easily break the laws in the realistic world by imitating the details of crimes.

However, others who disbelieve watching TV or video is bad claim that TV programs and the amount of videos can fully help children understand outside world or relax their stressful brains after intense study. Obviously, those who often watch TV have a wider range of knowledge and better understandings to our society than those who do not. All of this is beneficial to children’s growth and their future social life.

Overall, I would like to say that watching TV or videos are necessary for children who need knowledge and information, but the point is that parents must ensure their children not to watch too much or too long, and at the same time the Government should give a harsh warning to media with overuse of unhealthy contents.

1.
This/these之类的词明显不会用，指代不清；
attractive, vivid and touching our lives： 明显的并列结构出错；
开头段没有点明作者的观点或者作者要在文中的所做所为。只是简单的改写题目。

2.
self-principle??? self-discipline?
take too much time in watching: 主语是人的时候，花费多少时间做某事，不能用take；
instead of being back to study after doing for a short while.：being back to study? 非常别扭的表达方式。
unhealthy pictures？中文化的表达方式（不健康的图片）pornographic ?
it is well aware that the amount of violence and unhealthy pictures are filled with videos for some reasons.: 这个句子中谁充满了谁啊？
realistic world： real world？ non-virtue world？建议改成daily life
3.
better understandings to our society： understanding 之类的词从来不用复数；better understanding to our society？or "of" our society?
All of this：all of what?
4.
结尾段中watching TV or videos are ...明显的第三人称单数错误；
ensure 后面最好用ensure that ... 从句；
and at the same time: 建议前面用句号；
government为什么要大写？只有一个government？

全文没有给出自己的观点，属于跑题！