雅思写作范文分析

Task Two

Some famous universities lower their academic requirements to enroll students who have outstanding athletic talents. To what extent do you agree with this practice? Give reasons based on your experience.

You should write at least 250 words and spend approximately 40 minutes on this task.

对范文的点评

Sample 1

It becomes more and more common that many universities, especially those famous universities, lower their academic standards to enrol students who have special athletic talents. I think this activity of universities is reasonable and accepted.

First, students who have special athletic talents often have poor academic scores. They maybe have no opportunities to receive higher education because of their poor studies. Universities which lower their academic standards to enrol them can make these students turn their dreams into realities. Sometimes those universities which enrol the students who have special athletic talents have better conditions for athletic students to improve their athletic levels.

Second. It is also very helpful for universities which accept athletic students to improve their fames. Competition between universities are extensive. Most famous universities pay their attentions not only to academic researches but to many other aspects, for example arts and sports. Good athletic scores can improve the fames of the universities which can attract more exelent students. All these are competitive for universities.

All above, enroling athletic students by lower their academic standards has more advantages for universities though it perhaps can bring some disadvantages to them. (190 words)

拼写错误：

fames T fame（不可数名词，不能有复数形式）

exelent T excellent

enroling T enrolling

作者的英文非常好，但因这个题目有一定的难度，对很多人来说，论点、论据都不能来得很便捷。这就造成有些人英文虽好，但无话可说的局面。于是，很多人出于字数和时间的压力，胡乱写一些词不达意的内容。这样的文章当然得不到好的分数。

此文论点鲜明，没有什么严重的错误，因此，字数就是最严重的问题了。此文可以得4或5段。请对比前后两文。

Revised edition of Sample 1

It becomes more and more common that many universities, especially those famous universities, lower their academic standards to enrol students who have special athletic talents. I think this activity of universities is reasonable and acceptable.

First, students who have special athletic talents often have poor academic scores. They maybe have no opportunities to receive higher education because of their poor studies. Universities which lower their academic standards to enrol them can make these students turn their dreams into reality. Sometimes those universities have better conditions for athletic students to improve their athletic levels.

Second. It is also very helpful for universities which accept athletic students to improve their fame. Competition between universities is extensive. Most famous universities pay attention not only to academic researches but to many other aspects, for example arts and sports. Good athletic scores can improve the fame of the universities which can attract more excellent students. All these are competitive for universities.

Above all, enrolling athletic students by lowering academic standards has more advantages for universities though it perhaps can bring some disadvantages to them. (179 words, 5)

Sample 2

It seems a fashion that many universities would like to lower their academic standards to enrol students who have special athletic talents. Universities do so because they want to strengthen their competitive ability in nearly all kinds of sports games. However, there will be some disadvantage if universities lose control on themselves.

I think that it is a good thing for both the university and the students with special athletic talents when the university just lowers academic standards slightly. The university can improve its ability in sports competition, and the special students can catch up with academic study. They may also play an important role in stimulating other students’ interest in sports.

But it will be harmful to other students and the special students if universities only care about their sports power and enrol those students with athletic talents who have a big academic gap. Accompanied by those outstanding sportsmen, other students will feel unfair. In addition, it will be very difficult for those special students to keep their normal study. One of my classmates, a female special student, quit from our university after having failed almost all subjects in the first school year. She went back to her hometown without saying good-bye to us. Such cases are very common in universities. Those students with special athletic talents are like machines to universities, and not many people really care what they think about. Many of them have to quit, which I believe will bring a long-term, negative impact on their future.

It’s not bad for universities to enrol some students who have special athletic telnets, but at the same time, universities should treat these special students as normal students: care for their athletic talents, and care for their academic performance. (290 words)

这是一篇非常好的文章，文字功底、论点和论据的组织、字数等都明显高于上一篇。得7或8段应不成问题。

以上内容摘自《雅思直快 - 写作》，陈卫东编著，北京语言大学出版社2002年出版。

More essays

    In my point of view, (In my opinion / From my point of view) universities should not lower their academic requirements to enroll students who have outstanding athletic potentials. Doing so leads two questions.
 
（但你并未在下文阐明哪两方面问题。故你想说的可能是 There are two ways of looking at the problem.）
 
    Firstly, this will lower the overall academic standard of the university. Although sports are one aspect of the university life, the most important aspect is academic activity.(academic activities would always be a college student's top priorities.) Students go to university to learn (pursue) knowledge. If universities lower their standard of academy, the students will not learn enough knowledge for their afterwards work or study. (students, including the athletes, will not be able to acquire knowledge of any depth in a sound environment, thus making it more difficult to them for their future career.)
 
（从结论上看，你是不支持降低要求的，这就需要把本段的意思加强，拓展。）
 
    Secondly, (Conversely,) if universities  do not lower their standard for these special students (those sport talents), it will bring terrible pressure for (on) them. In my university, a student who had been enrolled for his outstanding basketball skills failed four subjects in one term because he cannot (could not) keep up with the courses. And he (He)commited (committed) suicide at last.
 
（你把逻辑关系弄反了，---大学如不降低要求会怎样，与上段并非是意思上递近的关系，故改成conversely。自杀的例子有些不可信，至少我作为读者是这样认为的。可以编故事，但要和情理。现实中有极端的例子，但在无法过多说明的情况下，还应尽量考虑读者的感受。另外，你似乎在矛盾之中，好象大学降低门槛也对，因为有terrible pressure on them --- 必须有一个明确的观点，mixed feelings don't count in an argument.）
 
　
    In conclusion, universities should not lower their academic requirements. If they want to enroll students with outstanding athletic potentials, they must provide them extra programs to ensure these students can meet the requirements.
 
结尾观点明白，不罗嗦。只是第二段对它的支持不够。 
　
Remark: Generally fluent and is able to use  idiomatic English in most situations. However, there is a major flaw in presenting argument and making it coherent. The result is lack of conviction on the part of the reader as where the writer stands on the issue. 
就作者的英文水平来说，得6段应该没有问题。但就此文的论点、论据的效果来说，得5段也是有可能的。
essay by zhangdan@public.gb.com.cn

（王旭 北京语言大学优秀雅思教师）