雅思作文修改：money spent on art or education

题目：Many countries spend a lot of money in art. Some people think investment in art is necessary, but others say money is better spent on improving health and education. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.

In the contemporary world, art cost（costs） a large figure of money. Some people claim is necessary to invest in art. But still have some people deem that fund should spend（be spent） more on improving health and education instead of art. As far as I am concerned, the first view is overly simplistic.

Speaking myself, protecting art and diffuse it, is the precondition of advancing health and education. The first instance with respect to this is that the aggression on china in the early twenty century. Union army from eight countries used force and entry Yuan-Ming Imperial Garden where save the outstanding representation of Chinese artworks. A greatest art gold mine was destroyed at that time may due to the government of Qing Dynasty inability to strengthen their military and lock of money to maintain it exist. Before long, opium was widespread in china and contributes to negative quality of generation. Second place, education has to link to art, art is a soul of nation. There is no denying that no one country educates offspring without art. To a great extent, investment in art is a significant factor contributing to the development of person happiness and enjoyment.

这段的论据有点扯远了，而且你说的有误，圆明园不是八国联军抢的，是英法联军，总之别说，英国人干的坏事

Admittedly, advancing health and education need not only vigor but fund of government. Those facilities need to maintain and invent, medical skills is become dramatically in the modern days. But when carefully weighting in mind, we may find that improving health and education are international issues, intake from international society is advisable. By contrast, art is unique for ant other country, ignore art is an inexcusable crime because art, once gone, is difficult to restore.

Overall, my view is that spend money in art is the precondition of advancing health and education. In despite of health and education is become increasingly dramatic, but those skills and facilities can intake from international society. For art, actually can not.

整篇文章我给5.5分

论据注意要由浅入深，

第一段，可以写艺术对于完善人的性格，对于个人修养的提高都是有好处的。

第二段，上升到社会的高度，投资艺术，建博物馆啊美术馆啊等，可以传承传统文化，保持民族特色